a quote (and a rant)

I was just reading a chapter in the final book of A Series of Unfortunate Events, Book the Thirteenth: The End. The first few sentences I read reminded me of my perception of how Snark was feeling earlier this week, and also about my struggles this past month, putting together the money/employment-inspiration/contentment puzzle, working out the snags and knots of these heavy thoughts.

It's a silly quote, but here it is:

"Thinking about something is like picking up a stone when taking a walk, either while skipping rocks on the beach, for example, or looking for a way to shatter the glass doors of a museum. When you think about something, it adds a bit of weight to your walk, and as you think about more and more things you are liable to feel heavier and heavier, until you are so burdened you cannot take any further steps, and can only sit and stare at the gentle movements of the ocean waves or security guards, thinking too hard about too many things to do anything else" (163).

Actually, I feel this way less when I'm walking and maybe more when I bury myself almost completely in novels and can't bring myself to even want to do anything else, day after day after day; it's a sign that I am feeling much too heavy in my thoughts to motivate myself. But when I'm walking up Tombstone Canyon or hiking the hillside with veggie dog, I feel more productive or visionary, trying to fit those damn-squirrelly pieces together, even if they don't ever become coherent in those few moments of walking; I feel like I think better even if not much comes of it. But still, I relate to this thought about how hard it is to get out of the murk, the heaviness once it gets into a person's thoughts. And I bet a lot of people can relate. . .

So maybe that's a little depressing or maybe it's not depressing but a mere observation of the way worry and over-thinking can really freeze a person up. I thought I'd share it though.

And! Tonight is my last night of being in my 20s! Pretty cool! I've been outstandingly excited about turning 30, and have been quite annoying, I know, announcing my upcoming old age too often to too many people, friends and strangers. I think Snark must be absolutely fed up with me by now. I hope I can mellow it down by tomorrow or maybe Snark can forgive my eagerness for just one more day. I'm not usually so mouthy about my birthdays, but this one has me all giddy like that feeling you get when you go from 9 to 10--two digits, you know?! It's got to mean something!

I guess, for me, turning 30 suggests finally getting some respect from adults who don't know me well. I've often felt like people dismiss me because I am, well, in my twenties. What the heck could I possibly know? What the hell could I have possibly experienced? I think older people dismiss younger people all the time because of age (this happens in reverse too). People who don't know me usually think I'm about 22 years old. That's fine. I don't mind looking younger. I don't even mind acting younger; it can be wonderful to be silly, to giggle, to be curious, naive--characteristics sometimes associated with youth. But I just don't like my intelligence or experiences dismissed because of my age. Just because a person is 4 years old, 14 years old, or 24 years old, doesn't mean her intelligence or experiences should be belittled or denied as valid. You don't have to be 65 before you are privileged enough to share thoughts on life and be listened to. At the preschool I used to work at, 3-year-olds would tell me the most enlightening observations about the world! But lots of adults don't even listen to 3-year-olds.

So, I guess I'm on a little rant about ageism right now. Sorry about that. Basically, I'm just relieved to be entering an age that is kind of considered older. Youth is idolized in our culture, but it's a warped kind of idolization that often isn't associated with wisdom or worldly experiences, and strongly emphasizes physical appearance (but that's another long rant that I won't get into tonight).

Will THEY (the all-judging they, whoever they are) listen to me now that I'm going to be 30? Oh, probably not. But turning 30 feels akin to graduating. For whatever reasons, I relate to it much more than I ever did getting a degree from undergrad or graduate school. This is the award I get that matters to me and I guess that's why I am acting so silly and thrilled about it! Being a teenager was really hard. Being in my early 20s was difficult too. Getting to 30 is a relief and a joy.